Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of

cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while

 holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop

pill into mouth. 

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.

  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left

arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. 

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with

right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 

5. 

 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly

between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold

head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler

into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler

and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases

from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie

on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw 

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink

one beer to take taste away.  Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm

and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.

  Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. 

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close

door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with

dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back

on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last

tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss

back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 

12.  Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of

the tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbor

who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s

front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of

 dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  

Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour

two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.

  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to

the emergency room.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm

and removes pill remnants from right eye. 

 Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15.

  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell

and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.